This week I’ve been thinking about cruelty. Growing up as a nerdy, gender-nonconforming kid, I spent a lot of time playing with girls, and received some hardcore mean-girl training, often by being on the receiving end of the meanness.

I also spent time with boys and learned how to tease and joke and gaslight and deny. I was teased often enough, but it still took too long for me to realize that when I did it, it had the same effect on others: I was hurting people.

So I know that I have a mean streak. When I really don’t like someone, it’s like wanting to scratch an itch: I have to restrain myself from the all-too-human pleasure of being unkind to them. I don’t always succeed.

I also have a profound capacity to love, and the ability to catch myself in a cruel moment and transform it into a compassionate one where I try to listen to and understand the person whom I want to judge and even punish.

But all of this is my individual behavior. Something I mostly missed out on has been the whole tribe mentality, the way an entire group can become vicious, such as the team-sports politics of Democrats vs Republicans, Bernie vs Hillary, and so on. While I’m missing the team-gene, I’m just as susceptible as anyone to peer pressure and groupthink, and during the past few weeks I’ve observed how easily I can be influenced by the people around me.

When I see this hatred playing out in public, it scares and repulses me, in part because it reminds me of my own vulnerable status and insecurity. I can see how someone could manipulate me through that fear: this could happen to you, so stay in line.

This applies across the board. I’m appalled at some of the messages I see in social media that are intended to support my point of view, but which are expressed with such a profound lack of compassion that I cannot get near them. I understand the impulse: there are many forces, both intentional and unconscious, from the presidency downwards, pushing us all towards greater alienation and brutality. But we must resist. Indeed, I believe it’s as important to resist this as everything else.

This is a terrible time, and I fear it will get worse. We must be prepared to confront and oppose behavior that has no place in our society. But I hope that we also can continue to see one another as human beings capable of change and growth.

I don’t identify as a Christian, but I still pray for those who would persecute me, and who are actively persecuting other, much more vulnerable members of our community. And you know what? If those whom I see as my persecutors say they are praying for me as well, I welcome it. Perhaps that act of comtemplation will help them see me in a new light.

But praying is only part of it. I’m also prepared to fight for what I believe in. With compassion. With determination. And with an openness of spirit that gives both me and the people I’m opposing room to grow.

We are in a moment when we are looking at a terrible and ancient wound in ourselves and in our culture, involving gender and power and sexuality and race, and giving it light and air to promote its healing.

It takes courage to speak out about this, it takes courage to listen, and it takes courage to understand our responsibility in wounding ourselves and each other, wounding entire groups of people and even our sustaining earth herself, and in finding another way to live.

Many of us, mostly women, are taking stock of and giving voice to how we have been injured by gender inequity and sexual violence throughout our lives. Many of us, mostly men, are hearing these stories and reflecting on injuries we may have caused or failed to prevent. Some of us, often in-between male and female like me, are caught between both questions. And most of us are asking why we allow these deep-rooted patterns to continue damaging our relationships, our lives, and our society.

Some of us are at the same time engaging in an equally powerful conversation about race, with many of us, mostly people of color, bringing forth unspoken truths about daily oppression and actual fearing for their lives, their partners’ lives, and the lives of their children; with many of us, who generally identify as white, like me, hearing these stories and reflecting, again, on injuries we may have caused or failed to prevent; and with some of us standing between, torn or confronting or mediating or holding sacred space.

I could go on, about economic injustice, even slavery, and the apparent enslavement and destruction of the very world around us, as if we had that power. We don’t, but we do have the power to destroy ourselves, and that destruction is starting to feel imminent, to feel like something we might suffer in our own lifetimes. It is huge and looming and tremendously immobilizing.

It is also personal.

When we approach deep trauma, it can feel like we are going to die, that it is hopeless, that anything — numbness, compromise — is better than getting close to that profound pain. But the only path to healing leads us there, into the nest of the trauma itself, where an essential part of our souls still remains, nestled like an egg, waiting to be warmed and to hatch with bright feathers and a new song to sing.

We each have our own dance of approach and retreat, moving towards healing at our own pace or swept up in the energy of the moment, and loving one another as well as we can while it all unfolds. But there is a graceful miracle, a kind of sympathetic magic that can be given to us: when we listen to someone else with full attention, when we acknowledge their story, and when we act affirmatively on their behalf, it advances our own healing. Our love and outrage for others can take us, for a time, past the seemingly insurmountable wall of our individual grief and terror and self-recrimination.

When we listen. When we believe. And when, with fierce love and compassion, we take action to change an intolerable situation.

Weediest of trees, the acacia now
is hung with pods along the bough,
and drops them all from there to here
to sprout and sprout throughout the year.

Now, of my twoscore years and ten,
how many will not come again
once spent outdoors upon my knees
rooting out those tiny trees.

And yet, their sap is used for glue,
for candy, and for fireworks too,
while other cultures eat their seeds
and thrive upon what we call weeds.

Recently I’ve been much more aware of all the plastic in my life, especially the vast sheets of disposable packaging that seem to cover everything.

Likewise everything that ends up in my “recycling” bin, which has lost its promise and become a euphemism for twice-as-much-trash. This includes many boxes from Amazon, elegantly sturdy constructions made somewhere somehow by someone, that I use once and then crush under my foot.

And of course all the water running and flushing and sluicing through my life: I regularly have moments where I imagine that it’s gone or severely restricted. How will I wash the dishes?

None of these have changed my behavior in substantive ways. I suspect that my behavior will change when it must.

And I’m afraid that it will.

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2018-06-20/china-just-handed-the-world-a-111-million-ton-trash-problem

My friend Janna wrote this on Facebook:

Do you ever hesitate at the threshold of these big stories and songs… like, because you know that if you go in, you have to give yourself over and let them take you, and that’s a whole kind of ordeal?

They go deep and wake up the part of me that is desperately in love with being alive, and then somehow I feel worse afterwards because I am holding all of this love and don’t know what to do with it. I sometimes feel the weight of love like pain, I guess. When I am alone with it.

Another piece of my resistance to powerful songs and stories has to do with the wide-awake, deeply feeling, true-seeing part of myself that gets woken up by them, and the fact that I don’t find a lot of places with room for that part of me… or places where that part of other people is allowed to wake up in them.

So then, I find myself avoiding the art and music that moves me most because of this way that it makes me feel lonelier. But I think this is a pretty bad decision. It makes my life smaller.

Anyway, I wonder you can relate, and if so, how you contend with it. Like, if you keep exposing yourself to the art and music and stories that really move you. Or if you refrain until you have a medium for that resulting love.

And I responded:

That really resonates for me. For much of my life, when I’ve started to move towards something I’ve really wanted, I’ve been hit by a big wave of grief over not having nurtured it consistently from the start. And fear at allowing myself to want it so desperately.

The other day I had an amazing voice coaching session with Susie Rode Morris. It was so joyful and so many things fell into place — big progress! And then the rest of the day was a mess, I could hardly function, and I went to bed with a migraine.

Somehow I haven’t felt that way with the songs I’ve written this year. It’s been hard to make time for them, to let them be imperfect, to let them unfold… but the process has pretty much just been pure engagement and a kind of amazement that it’s happening again after so long.

So I think it depends on the thing, and how deep the messages are within myself that I’m not allowed to have it. For me, singing has the deepest roots of “you will never be good at this, why are you even trying” while at the same time it has the deepest inner voice of “you must do this for the good of your soul — and to share what the world needs to hear from you”. Which is why it’s taken me so painfully long to get good at it at all.

“Sing into the fatigue.”

That’s what my vocal coach Cecilia Engelhart keeps telling me.

It means, “Just ask your voice to do what it can in this moment. Go up to the edge of what’s possible but don’t push past that boundary. Chances are, things will open up as you go. But if you push, you’ll just get more tired — and tense”.

Such a good lesson for life. I often find myself really tired these days, and I keep pushing myself to produce — for my work, for my art, for whatever priority seems most urgent — when I probably should be resting instead, or at least just “singing into the fatigue”.

It doesn’t have to be literal. The next time you feel exhausted, imagine yourself singing into that depleted place within yourself, sending yourself strength and encouragement through song. Not pushing yourself & ignoring your limits, just letting your body resonate with an image of harmony, flow, and well-being.

And if your body responds with, “That’s nice, but what I’d really like is a lullaby”, you can always change your tune.

For me, the heart of today’s conversation about sexual violence and harassment is how these reflect and maintain women’s status generally in our society, and in the world, as second-class citizens. That circle easily widens to include people who don’t confirm to their expected gender, and who by doing so so are traitors to the system.

I believe it is inspired in part by the recent and courageous conversations about how violence against Black people serves to maintain their status, and how the stepping up of racist rhetoric — and ICE raids — keep Muslim and Latinx people “in their place”.

I’m still having trouble embracing the word “intersectionalty”. It feels academic and invented. But I do embrace the idea behind it, that there are connections among oppressions, and that I cannot morally or even practically expect liberation for myself (as a gay person) while continuing to oppress others directly or indirectly, and to benefit from this oppression (in my case, of women, of so many other ethnicities and folks around the world toiling for my comfort, of other social classes and legal statuses, the list is long).

This feels like a moment of potential shift in our society, if we keep our intentions clear, our justified anger focused and disciplined, our minds aware of the connections among us, and our hearts open.

And if we tell our despair and hopelessness that maybe there is a chance, right now, for it to transform into grief and outrage, and that it will be heard by others, acknowledged, and even come to some resolution.

We all have something to lose, some much more than others, from changing the status quo. It could even fundamentally destabilize our society — and we must watch for those who will take advantage of this, those who aspire to rule us from near or afar.

But we also have so much to gain. Let’s do this together. And listen. And learn.

I’m telling myself: “Heave! Shift! Put your back into it. Feel the strength of everyone else around you and try again!”

Caitlin Johnson describes herself as a “utopia prepper”. I’m not sure I share that level of optimism, though maybe I should cultivate it — but I do agree with the basic premises of this article, including the idea that we live in a patriarchal rape culture, and that our lifetimes are presenting us with the perhaps unprecedented (or at least not since a very very long time) opportunity to transform this, or at least to begin to shift it.

But this requires often painful introspection from each of us and a willingness to speak about our experiences. This can be incredibly hard, and the trauma so deep, that just approaching it feels self-annihilating. I still can’t bring myself to do it, even now, in this post. But I can ask:

How are we victims of this system? How have we perpetuated it? How have we victimized ourselves in response to intense trauma, or a lifetime of oppression? How then, in turn, have we traumatized others, or oppressed them? To what degree can we free ourselves of this dynamic, and still participate in mainstream culture? Can we seek happiness for ourselves without oppressing others? When we seek liberation for others how much must our own lives change? Old, old questions.

Another post today about the Irish genocide brought Sinead O’Connor’s album “Universal Mother” to mind. She weaves together so many of these threads in that album. Worth going back for another listen…

Margaret Atwood wrote: “Men are afraid of women laughing at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

And Sister Unity commented on Facebook: “As a gay man, I have held the latter fear all my life as well. Homophobia is rooted in the same misogyny. Maybe mine is:  ‘Homophobic men are afraid gay men will turn them on. Gay men are afraid homophobic men will kill them.'”

Indeed. I’ve been consciously and unconsciously thinking and translating ideas like this one from Margaret Atwood all my life.

Thank you, Sister Unity, for your timely reminder. So much is about policing sex and gender. Many queer people — especially those who are transgender — challenge gender norms by their very being, which in turn undermines male privilege. And that really really really pisses some people off.

As a person who identifies as non-gender-conforming but who spends a lot of time passing for something-like-male, I’ve had a lifetime to reflect on the ways that male privilege has benefited me and the ways I remain attached to it — as well as the ways that it sickens the deepest roots of my soul. And that process never ends.

We’ve got to work on this, people! All of us, with all the consciousness, openness, and non-defensiveness we can muster. And it won’t happen without the majority of male-identified folks taking part, listening, and growing.

I feel blessed to know many guys who are doing this, and who taught me, at a time when every fiber of me believed otherwise, that men can be a good, loving, and necessary part of my life, and that I can love and make positive the parts of me that are masculine as well. May it be so one day for all of us, whatever gender we may be.

We decided to escape to a movie theater with filtered air last night. Saw Blade Runner 2049.

Gorgeous cinematography, but isn’t it time to stop envisioning a dystopian future where there are naked Barbie-shaped women everywhere you look? The male gaze is strong with this one…

At least be equal-opportunity with your objectification. This goes for the female characters, the female holograms, even the female freaking statuary. But why not come up with something more original and nuanced instead?

Yes, there was no shortage of female characters played by good actresses (especially Robin Wright), but finally they all seemed so static and relentlessly focused on the central male character.

And then there’s the gratuitous violence, the magical appearance of flying cars whenever you need them, and a grinding plot that I lost interest in just when I was supposed to be most interested, at the Big Plot Twist, with soooo much movie still to come…

C’mon Hollywood, you can tell stories better than this.